Welcome Friends

Where to start? There's so much I could share about my life with my husband and the person I used to be. But let's be real, my previous life is like an old sitcom that got canceled—rich and wonderful, but now just a cherished memory rerun. The person I am today? Unrecognizable! It's as if I attended a costume party and neglected to switch back. That person passed away the same night my husband took his last breath. She will never return, but I'm learning that's okay. Every day is a new day, whether it's good or bad, and I've learned to be grateful and move forward. The alternative? Not an option. God placed me here for a purpose, and I owe it to my creator to fulfill that purpose, whether I like it or not. And let's be honest, sometimes I don’t like it!

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Reflecting on the past, I realize how God started preparing me for the future. Without deviating too much, my husband and I relocated to a small, random town in Iowa. We literally threw a dart at the map and said, "This looks good!" In March 2021, we bought what we thought would be our forever home; it turned out to be forever for him. I won't bore you with the reasons behind our decisions. Explaining would mean delving into my past life, which isn't relevant. Fast forward to September 2021, we suddenly decided we wanted to attend church. In the 27 years we were together, we had never joined a church. We always talked about it, but it was like planning a trip around the world—it never happened!

 

We began exploring local churches to find the one that suited us best. By the way, this is something everyone should consider. Churches aren't a one-size-fits-all situation. Finding the right one can be difficult, but it's not something you should give up on. The choice of the right church was decided for us. While we were barbecuing in our backyard, a neighbor drove into our driveway and invited us to a church just two blocks from our new home. We saw that as a sign. My husband was only able to experience the fellowship for three months before he passed away. Yet, in those brief months, I found more comfort than I could have imagined. It led my husband to eternal life and enabled me to keep living in the present. Truly, it was divine intervention!

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I won’t deny it; the first few months are a blur to me. I experienced what’s known as widow’s fog or widow’s brain. It’s a genuine condition that detaches you from reality as a way to cope with immense trauma and loss. I remember attending church services. Mentally, I might not have been there, but physically, I was in the pew every Sunday. One day, it dawned on me that I needed to go grocery shopping. For weeks, I had been living off the fruits and vegetables my husband had canned a few months prior. I managed to reach the local market, thankfully just a walk away. I hadn’t been able to drive my truck yet due to my widow’s brain. So there I was, mechanically walking down the aisle, absentmindedly tossing items into my cart until I reached the beer aisle. It might seem silly or utterly irrational to anyone but a widow, but seeing the brand of beer my husband used to drink sent me into a spiral. I found myself sitting on the edge of the beer cooler, crying uncontrollably for what felt like hours. It wasn’t until a stranger’s kindness who helped me pull myself together, I was able to buy my groceries, and walk home. It was then that I realized I needed help. But from where and how?

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I began reading every book on coping with the loss of a spouse. I can’t tell you how many stories I read. Everything from widows' biographies to grief therapists to surfing the internet on how to survive this. By the way, do they even call it "surfing" anymore? I don’t know, but I’m calling it that because I was Carissa Moore, riding waves of data on waves of emotions. The more I read, though, the more my grief deepened. I could find similarities to what I was going through, but none of it came close to my situation or how I was feeling. One afternoon, I finally gathered enough energy to clean my bedroom, another task as daunting as grocery shopping. I came across a Life Application Study Bible given to us by my husband’s daughter years earlier. It was tucked away on my husband’s side of the bed. It was bookmarked, so my husband must have started reading it. When? I don’t know. So I started reading the verse he marked, Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me" John 14:6. Well, I can’t explain exactly what I felt when I read that. It was an explosion of so many emotions, but it was truly life-changing. I know that verse, and I’ve read it before. I think most Christians know that verse and what it means, but I always read it as Jesus being the only way to our Father in heaven. When I read it this time, I saw it differently. Jesus was telling me that when life is messy and unstable, He joins divine life to ours, not only eternally but right now. All we have to do is follow. It’s like the ultimate GPS for life—no matter how many turns and detours, your final destination is what it's all about.

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Everything moved very quickly after reading John 14:6. I prayed about everything. If I had any decisions to make, they weren’t made without divine direction. Prayers led me to become a Certified Christian Joy Restoration and Grief Coach. I initially enrolled in the classes to help overcome my grief with the hope of restoring some joy. I also really started studying His Word, not only so I could apply it to my life but also in the hope I could help others do the same. I wasn’t just reading the Bible anymore; I became a Bible detective (a term I borrowed from Allen Parr, a Christian leader). The Bible is an instruction book on how to live our lives, but you need to interpret it correctly, or else it could lead you to false teachings. When that happens, you’ll never receive God’s Word as the true gift that it is—

It's akin to receiving socks for Christmas when you were hoping for that flashy new gadget! In truth, the socks are what you truly needed, while the gadget was merely a flashy unnecessary desire.

 

So it’s been over three years, and I’m still living day by day. Every morning, I faithfully make myself a cup of coffee and sit in my chair next to a window that faces the Northeast. I wait for that moment of dawn when the sunlight is barely seen, and it’s so quiet and peaceful. It's a moment when I can communicate with Him and listen to His gentle whispers in response. It’s a time between the dark and light of a new day. It’s a time when you’re so thankful for the opportunity you are given for another day to serve. It's a moment filled with immense hope. I refer to it as my Hope in the Silent Light.

 

So my friends, as I embark on this new journey, I hope you will join me from time to time. My only prayer is that I can somehow, someway, utilize His Word and my own words to ignite that moment of realization, just as John 14:6 did for me. I’m not here to force my beliefs on anyone. I’m just here to testify how Christ saved me and how He can save you too. And if you need someone to laugh with through the tears, I’m your gal!

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